If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
The premature answer is already a moral failure.
Week 2 of 4
Answer after you hear
A reply that starts before she finishes is folly, even if the reply is right.
He who gives answer before he hears, that is folly and shame to him.
Proverbs 18:13
Most marital fights are two speeches and no hearing. Proverbs calls the early answer folly and shame. James tells the beloved brothers to be quick to hear and slow to speak. That is not a communication technique from a workshop. It is wisdom literature and an apostle saying the same thing: your first victory is to understand the sentence she actually said. Men who are used to fixing will hear a problem and reach for a tool before they have heard a person. Put the tool down until she says you have heard her.
Scripture
Formal study reading, written for this series
Formal study reading, written for this series
Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
The order is the command: hear, then speak, then anger last.
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
A fool does not want understanding. He wants a stage.
NASB, the Amplified, and the ESV open on Bible Hub. The Legacy Standard Bible opens on its own reader. Close, Expanded, and Easy on this page are original study readings. WEB is the World English Bible, public domain.
Hearing is a moral speed
James does not say “never speak.” He sets a speed. Quick to hear means your first move is reception. In a marriage this kills the habit of reloading your point while she is still in the middle of hers. Proverbs 18:13 says the shame belongs to the man who answered early, even if he later discovers he was partly right. The folly is in the timing.
Verse 2 of the same chapter goes deeper. The fool’s pleasure is self-revelation. If you enjoy your own paragraphs more than her meaning, you are not leading the conversation. You are using her as an audience. Understanding is a pleasure the wise man actually wants.
In the house
Practice one sentence: “What I hear you saying is …” Then stop. Let her correct you. Do not add “but.” The but is how men smuggle the speech they already planned.
If the talk is large — money, in-laws, a wound — set a time when you are not exhausted, and keep it. Hearing requires a body that is actually present.
Seven days
At the table
- 1What do you enjoy more: understanding her, or delivering your view?
- 2Where do you answer a sentence she has not finished?
- 3What would change if hearing were the first act of love?
- 4Who taught you that a man is the one who speaks, not the one who hears?
Your note
Stays on this device. No account.
A prayer
Father, I am quick to speak and pleased with my own opinion. That is folly, and it has shamed my house. Make me swift to hear. Slow my mouth. I want to understand the wife you gave me before I offer her my wisdom. Amen.